My Pinoy Shop

Apparently I have a chain of gift shops here in the Philippines. I'm honored the Philippine people love me so much to open these Ken-branded gift shops but don't they know my name is trademarked? Well, I suppose I'll let this pass. No need to call in the lawyers especially considering they left out the extra N (IE: Kenn).

There's a fleet of taxi cabs here called KenKen.

Like the Ken Gift Express I think these taxis are swimming in dangerous legal waters. In both cases if either of these businesses were to slap on that additional N I'd sue their pants off. I don't want money, I just think that if you're naming a business after me you should represent me in some way. The best way to do this? I think adding a life-sized cardboard cutout of me in front of each store or in the passenger seat of every taxi should suffice. It's all about fairness!

If you look at the top right of this blog you will see a photo of a jeepney called the Kenspanker. I think, legally, I should own that too. My sales pitch would be, 'free spanking with every ride.'. Now, wouldn't that be something for the tourists to talk to their friends and family about! 'Those Filipinos are really friendly, I got a free spanking from some white Canadian guy!'

Messy Birthday

I sit here on June 1st, 2009 celebrating my 38th year on this wild and crazy planet Earth. Yes, today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...and how does this great land of the Philippines help me celebrate this wonderful day? By giving me food poisoning no less. Why, of all days, do I have to get food poisoning on my birthday?  I don't really ask for much on birthdays. I don't expect gifts but when gifts do happen I prefer them to be pleasurable and not something that keeps me sitting on a toilet all night.  A nice happy gift, is that too much to ask?

Dear sweet and compassionate Philippines, why do you treat me so badly?  We used to be such great friends but what happened in our friendship?   Is it something I said?   Is it something I did?   Is it something I ate... well, yeah, it's definitely something I ate; perhaps sashimi is the most likely villain here but who knows, I ate in three different places that day.

Thankfully, I'm feeling a little bit better now but we shall see what evils the Philippines has in store for me next birthday ... dropping a coconut on my head is a likely possibility.  Or maybe a salamander will bite me.  Those little creatures are constantly hanging off walls secretly spying on me.  I don't trust them, nor the coconuts!  I'm watching you coconuts, YOU HEAR ME!!  BEWARE!

(hmmm, I appear to be getting a touch insane in my old age...)

Happy 100th Post!

I'm please to announced that my 'Sugar' blog was my official 100th posting in the Kenniverse! Let's all collectively celebrate together no matter the timezone nor the country we live in! I'll bring the San Miguel!

Missing in Action

I'm back! Yes, it's been a while since my last blog posting. You may wonder why I've been so lazy with the blogs lately. Looking back, when I first started this blog I was writing several blogs a week. As time went on it became several blogs a month. And now, sadly, it's become one or two blogs a month if YOU'RE LUCKY. What is the reason behind this total lack of responsibly when it comes to blog writing? Well, to be honest, I really don't have a reason. I guess I've just been lazy. I think it has a lot to do with familiarity of my experiences here in the Philippines. The longer I stay here the more familiar my experiences are; the more familiar things become the less I find them interesting; the less I find them interesting the least likely I am to write about them. It's an odd excuse I agree but I think that's the reason. My viewpoint has become so Filipino living here that I just don't see the unique Canadian perspective I once did. But, I'm attempting to work on that so hopefully within the coming weeks the Kenniverse is Pinoy blog will be teaming with fascinating and exciting experiences in the world of Pinoyness!

Now, onto the blog...

Let's see if I can summarize what has been going on in my life over the last few months. I won't bore you with basic things, IE: on November 10th, 2008 I awoke at 09:00 AM and brushed my teeth. Seriously, who really cares about that stuff (well, maybe a dentist would...), just the experiences that are noteworthy.

In November I flew back to Vancouver (without Aimee). It was my first time back in almost a year. I spent a great three weeks visiting family and friends. While there I attended Hopscotch 2008 (scotch and beer festival) with a few of my good buddies:

This photo was taken even before we started sampling all the great scotch and beers. Imagine sixty minutes later? Sixty minutes later things got a little - well - silly:

Yes, there are several rude finger profanities going on in this photo. Please don't judge us; we can't help it! We're five grown men out on an evening of drinking without our wives around to keep us sane and respectable! The book Lord of the Flies comes to mind...

Beyond drunken silliness with friends (and family) I spent the three weeks catching up with Vancouver. It's amazing how much of the city is changing with the upcoming 2010 Vancouver Olympics on its way. Olympics tourists shops are popping up all over the city and the Asian-inspired mascots (see below) seem to be plastered everywhere. In Richmond, they have already completed the Olympic speed skating rink and the Skytrain, our rapid transit rail system, finally has a station at the airport. It's not open yet but within a short time it will be.

I doubt Aimee and I will make it back to Vancouver for the 2010 Olympics but this may not be a bad thing. It's going to be impossible getting tickets for the events and imagine how insanely busy the city is going to be during that time. So no tickets to the events and sadly, no cable in our house to watch the events! We might as well stay back here in the Philippines and watch the events on the internet! We'll wave around a little Canadian flag as we do this of course!

Regarding the Vancouver 2010 mascots: I say 'Asian-inspired' because, well, to be honest, they are! Take a look:

Imagine if Hello Kitty had a birthday party and wanted to invite only characters that looked like her; the Vancouver 2010 Olympics mascots would definitely be getting an invitation for that party! I'm sure Hello Kitty would be mailing off some invitations to the mascots of the 2008 Beijing Olympics too!


What an interesting party that would be. I wonder what all the characters would talk about? What would the Vancouver mascots bring to the party? Maybe a huge slab of smoked salmon? Maple syrup cookies? BC Bud (AKA marijuana)? If Quatchi, the Vancouver Sasquatch character, were to give Jingjing, the Beijing panda character, a Vancouver magnet would he put it on his fridge? It's an interesting debate that I'm sure will go on for years.

What do I think of the Vancouver mascot characters? Personally and honestly, without any impact on the fact I live around little Asian characters everyday, I love them! I think if you're going to create a mascot for anything, make it cute. Cute mascots sell more merchandise. And if you want cute, go Asian! Hello Kitty started a trend in cuteness we've never looked back from. You can't deny it! Hello Kitty is a billionaire! I'm glad the Vancouver design team who created the mascots considered Asian cuteness! Vancouver and Asian cuteness has had a long standing relationship. Look at Expo Ernie from Vancouver's Expo 86 World Fair:

I think there's a bit of a conspiracy here. Expo Ernie isn't actually a real robot. I think Expo Ernie is actually Hello Kitty in a space suit.

See, absolutely no difference!

Since you're probably bored of mascots (and my disturbing addiction to Hello Kitty) let's get onto other things...

After my 3 week Vancouver stay in November I returned back to Manila. I spent Christmas here and was treated to a visit by my good buddy Mark. Mark is a Canadian like myself but he now lives in London, England. During his stay he took that Kenspanker jeepney photo that's now posted on the middle right-hand side of my blog. Within 5 minutes of taking that photo we saw another jeepney called the Ken&Mark. It was truly a magical day!

What a charming pair we are!

Christmas ended and Mark left. The fun didn't stop there because within a few short weeks I was back in Vancouver (with Aimee this time) for my Dad's 70th Birthday!

HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY DAD! (now if only I could get my Dad to use the internet so he can see that birthday greeting...). Beyond the usual visiting while in Vancouver we did some shopping. Some very specific shopping. Some shopping not for us but for someone else. Someone small. Very small. Small and fleshy (I say fleshy because most of you are probably thinking I'm talking about my cat). Small, fleshy and living inside a dark place. A dark wet place. He kicks occasionally in this dark place but most of the time he sleeps. Sleeps in a fetal position... Okay, if you haven't understood what I'm talking about there's no hope for you ... ever. For the rest of you, I'm proud to announce that Aimee is 23 weeks pregnant! And it's a boy! We are both extremely overjoyed! I could go on and on about how awesome this feeling is but then I would have to change the name of this blog from The Kenniverse is Pinoy to The Kenniverse's Baby is Awesome! Maybe one day that will happen, but for now, we'll still stay in the world of pinoy!

So now that you know the news, you probably also realize I have three solid months of blog writing left before the baby zaps all my time away! Hopefully writing this blog has killed off any writer's block I had in the past! Will write more soon ... I promise!

T.P.

Public washrooms aren't usually the most pleasurable places to go. They're dirty, they're smelly, and they lack the comfort you're used to from your own personal 'relief space'. That being said, sometimes duty calls and you're forced to use a public washroom.

Public washrooms here in Manila are like playing that 'game' Russian Roulette. But instead of using bullets, you're playing with a roll of toilet paper. Sometimes the toilet paper is there, sometimes it isn't. But unlike Russian Roulette, you want the toilet paper to be there during your turn. It's not a very fun game when it isn't. Most of the time it isn't there; either people are stealing it or the cleaners have stopped refilling it altogether. Maybe they stopped refilling it because people were stealing it? It's hard to say, but all I know it's not always there and it's completely annoying to anyone, like me, who finds themselves in an emergency situation where having a nice friendly roll of TP would be helpful.

There seems to be various levels of TP non-existence. On the base level, there's no TP, never was TP, never ever will be TP until the end of time. On the next level there's the public washrooms that were generous enough to give you TP but for some odd, sick, and demented reasoning they put it OUTSIDE the stall. How is that suppose to help you? I guess they figure if it's outside the stall, in the plain view of everyone, you're less likely to steal it. Okay, I understand that logic but there's one very important thing they didn't consider: people will waste more TP this way. If you're forced to take what you need before you go into the toilet stall isn't it human nature to take more than what you need? Of course it is, you will always take more. There's no way to estimate how many sheets you are going to use so just to be safe, you grab an insane amount. It's better to have too many sheets than not enough right?

On the next level we have the washrooms that are nice enough to give you TP and they are logical enough to put it inside the stall but then they forget this very important thing called the toilet seat. These places annoy me because I feel like they're teasing me; they give me something I want and need but take something away in exchange. You cheeky bastards!

Some places charge you to use the washrooms. For a mere 5 pesos you can have the luxury of an exclusive paid washroom experience. Sounds good eh? Sounds like paradise huh? Nope, these places oddly are worse off than the non-paid toilets. I've paid to use washrooms in parks that not only lack TP and toilet seats, they also lack doors on the stalls. What is my hard earned 5 peso going to? I was in a washroom last week that charged a 5 peso entry fee but 10 peso per TP sheet. Gotta love that business empire!

To be fair though, some malls have semi-nice free washrooms with TP in the stalls. There's one mall I go to that not only has semi-nice free washrooms but also slightly-nicer paid washrooms. For 10 peso you can relax and do your business in a slightly cleaner environment with free-flowing toilet paper. Ah yes, luxury! I do wonder though what's stopping people from paying the 10 peso and then stealing 20 pesos worth of TP? Maybe no one has ever considered this. Maybe it's only me and my demented Canadian criminal mind!

Fat Wallet

When I left Canada and moved here I had a skinny wallet. It was skinny because I removed all the unnecessary junk that was weighing it down.

When we made the decision to move here I went through the process of cancelling most of my credit cards. I figured what good is a Canadian department store card in the Philippines? I had lots of cards. Too many actually. It's amazing how easy it is to get more cards and get yourself further into debt. Heck, I even had credit card companies offering me cards to move my debt around. Why have debt on only one card when you can have it spread across 20 cards? I over exaggerate when I say 20 credit cards; I didn't have that many but I did have at least 6. 6 cards add a certain amount to fatness and weight to your wallet. And if 6 credit cards weren't bad enough it's those damn points cards that add even more obesity to your wallet. Airmiles cards, points cards for departments stores, Subway sticker cards that take you forever to fill up but continuously tempt for with a free sub, cards from coffee shops telling you your 10th cup of coffee is free if you buy the first 9... the list goes on and on but what it all boils down to is a really fat wallet. So without all those cards my wallet was nice and skinny. It was really liberating burning off all those wallet pounds. I could gently slip my nice skinny wallet into my pocket and no one could tell it was there. No bulge. No huge wallet that makes my ass look 10 times larger. Sweet sweet skinny!

That was then... let's talk about now. When we arrived here I got myself a Mastercard attached to a Filipino bank branch. That's the first card. From there I found myself being offered various points cards for various stores. When I wasn't offered points cards I stupidly began applying for them. I'm not sure why. I don't think it was the promise of great discounts that tempted me. Most of these cards have a points system I don't even understand. You start off with points and then the points turn into e-cash and then the e-cash turns into discounts and finally the discounts turn into free stuff. So basically, after 4 decades of using the points card I may, or may not start getting free stuff! I guess it was the promise of free stuff that tempted me. So here I now, once again, with a fat wallet. It's not only fat, it's obese. It's larger than it was in Canada! You think I would have learned from the fat wallet mistakes of my past but obviously I have not! I guess I am forever destined to a world of fatness....

KKK

Let's talk about the KKK...

... no, not that KKK you one track-minded people; I'm referring to the KKK here in the Philippines.

During my first trip here back in 2001 I saw this huge monument proudly being displayed in Manila (I know it's hard to appreciate the scale of a monument in a photo but keep in mind that all the people are life-sized - well, ignoring the giant dude on top of course!):

Now imagine my confusion when I first saw it. Obviously being from Canada and hearing constantly about the close-minded racial morons in the US called the Klu Klux Klan I was immediately speechless with dumbfounded confusion. My perplexed brain started wondering if their was some sort of connection between the KKK in the USA and the KKK here in the Philippines. I immediately discounted that possibility because, well, I highly doubt the fun loving Filipinos would want anything to do with the close-minded racial morons in the silly white hoods.
A couple to days after my KKK monument encounter I came across this restaurant:
Fun loving Filipinos eating in a KKK-branded restaurant? Does every kid's meal come with a little white hood? No, no that's not possible. There's no connection. There can't be! I figured this must be another exciting episode of "Lost in Transition," also better known (in my head) as "Cultural Confusion." I decided to read up on what the Filipino KKK actually is. To summarize what I discovered:

The Katipunan was a Philippine revolutionary organization founded by Filipino rebels in Manila, in 1892, which aimed to gain independence from Spain.

The word "Katipunan" comes from the root word "tipon", an indigenous Tagalog word, meaning: "society" or "gather". Its official revolutionary meanings are translated as Kataas-taasang, Kagalang-galangang Katipunan ng mga Anak ng Bayan (Supreme and Venerable Society of the Children of the Nation). The word were used by Filipino revolutionary rebel leaders. Katipunan is also known by its acronym, KKK.

So thankfully, there's no connection to the badly dressed cotton balls with pointed heads from the US.

What lesson did we learn here? Never assume what you think you know, or not know, or may know sometime in the near or far future is 100% correct the world over. An acronym of hate in one country could very well be an acronym for bravery and freedom in another!

That is my lesson students, you may, or may not be tested on this!

Toilet Heaven & Toilet Hell

Now I'm not the kind of person who makes a big deal about toilets. You use them privately and you don't generally talk about the experience with others. I'm breaking the 'unspoken toilet rule' for this blog.

Upon checking into our hotel in Taipei I noticed we were given an executive suite. A beautiful and spacious one bedroom hotel room that had a separate living room area, bedroom area, walk in closet, and two bathrooms. The master bathroom even had an amazing shower with separate bathtub. If all this wasn't amazing enough I was totally blown away when I went over to use the toilet.
The toilet was computerized! It had a heated seat that was temperature controlled!

On the control panel you adjusted the temperature. Once you completed your messy business there was a choice between either a front or a back spout of water that came out to wash your backside. The water that came out of this spout was also temperature controlled with the added bonus of being able to control the pressure of the water. If that wasn't thrilling enough there was a temperature controlled blow dryer that dried the water off your freshly washed bottom. It's like a spa for your bum!

Normally all this awesome bum spa treatment is something I'd talk about privately with Aimee and only Aimee but I bring it up here because once we left the protective fortress of the posh hotel bathroom I had to use the toilet below:

What the hell is this? No heated toilet seat. NO TOILET SEAT AT ALL! No temperature controlled water kindly washing your nether regions. Nothing. The only water that comes close to washing your backside is the water that voilently splashes everywhere once you flush the damn thing.

The next time you're in a public washroom and the toilet seat is slightly dirty, consider yourself lucky my friends. You're in the world of luxury in comparison to THIS!

Canadian Soil

Today I was in Canada!
Or to be more precise, today I was on Canadian soil.
I went to the Canadian embassy in Manila to renew my passport.
Walking into the embassy felt like walking into any government building in Canada. There were Canadian flags everywhere! There were posters on the walls (in English and French) talking about various information about Canada, and there were video screens showing beauty shots from every Province. Interestingly enough, 'every Province' usually seems to mean BC, Alberta, Ottawa, Ontario, and PEI. I saw video showing the mountains and lush forests of BC, the wheat fields of Alberta, the government landmarks of Ottawa, the amazing sites of Niagara Falls in Ontario, and various shots of lighthouses in PEI. I didn't see anything from Quebec, Manitoba or the remaining Provinces. And nothing from the Territories. Doesn't poor misunderstood Nunavut Territory deserve some respect? At least show a shot of an Eskimo (or Inuit if you prefer). Maybe I'm just being picky because I used to edit tourism videos for Canada. And after a while, my trademark became always adding an eskimo into the mix. This trademark became difficult to fulfill once I started editing tourist videos for Vancouver. You'd be hard pressed to locate an eskimo in Vancouver; even when the weather gets really cold! But enough about my anal viewpoint of tourism videos, back to the embassy!
I brought my PSP with me so I could occupy my time while I waited. Bad idea, I should have brought a book. All electronics were temporarily confiscated at the door. So once inside, I was forced to read the supplied Canadian propaganda pamphlets. While I sat there I was serenaded by the beautiful sounds of Loreena McKennitt. A good relaxing choice for a Canadian embassy's waiting room music. I probably would have gone postal with Celine Dion or Anne Murray. There's nothing more embarrassing than being thrown out of your country's embassy because you start attacking people with propaganda pamphlets. So I waited, and I listened. The number being displayed on the screen was 2001. My number was 2005. Numbers 2001, 2002, and 2003 ended up being old, fat white guys needing to get legal documents that will allow them to marry their young, skinny Filipino girlfriends. I guess I shouldn't be too critical of them. 4 years ago I too was sitting in the embassy needing to get legal documents to marry my young, skinny Filipino girlfriend. The only difference in my case is I'm not old and fat (unless I'm in denial). Getting this legal documentation is pretty easy. So 2001 to 2003 were in and out of the counselor's office pretty quickly. 2004 has some issues because she kept leaving the office (which got me excited because I assumed I was next) and then immediately running back in. She did this at least 4 times. Finally it was 2005, meaning me! Success! Passport will be ready on March 8th.
Thank you Canada!
I only wish they were handing out maple syrup and poutine at the door to make it a real Canadian experience!

Hobbit House

In a couple of months Aimee and I will be moving out of Aimee's parent's house and into a condo we're having built here. A few days ago we had the pleasure of inspecting the progress of the construction. When we walked in and started looking around there was something nagging me in the back of my mind. I couldn't quite put my finger on what the issue was but my brain was telling me there was something wrong. What was it? What in the world was bothering me? I walked into the the kitchen, then the bedrooms, and then the bathrooms. Once I walked into our master bedroom's bathroom that nagging feeling finally surfaced. Everything in the condo is built for someone with an average Filipino stature. All the counter tops are about 2 inches shorter than what I'm used to in Canada. And this includes the toilet in our master bedroom's bathroom. Imagine a toilet that can't just sit down on. It's so low you have to carefully lower yourself down on to. If you're not careful, you'll lose your balance and fall in! In the kitchen the hood fan in built above the stove at a height where a shorter person can reach up and turn it on. For me, it's lower than my eye level. I stood in front of it and it blocked my view of the stove. If I can't see the stove how am I suppose to cook? All the counters require me to bend down lower than normal and I'm sure this is going to be murder on my lower back eventually. Some of these issues will be altered (like the toilet and hood fan) and some will remain the day we move in. I was just surprised that construction blueprints are altered different from country to country depending on the average height of its citizens. There are tall Filipinos, I've seen them. So I don't know what they think about this hobbit house construction. So, the next time you see me I might be permanently stuck in a stooped over position because of all the bending I need to do!

Ooooh my poor aching back!

Pink Male Urinal

What if you're a man, you're in public and you really need to pee? Well, over here, a wall or tree will suffice. But what if the city wants to stop public urination? What better way than to install public pee stations all over the Metro Manila area? I think the idea is smart, but why are they coloured pink? Pink isn't a very manly colour. Maybe blue or black would make more sense? Add a beer dispenser and maybe a little TV that broadcasts sporting events to make it a true masculine experience.


I've seen these things all over the city for quite some time. But recently, I saw something that refreshed my viewpoint of them. The point of these things is to stop public urination. But what I saw this week was a man standing OUTSIDE the Pink Male Urinal and peeing ON it. I wonder if that's what the city had in mind?