Annual Report

When I first moved to the Philippines I was given an ACR (Alien Certificate of Registration) card which allows me to stay in the country indefinitely. Not everyone can get this card; I only received it because I'm married to a Filipino citizen. If you are curious about the process of getting the card I wrote about it several years ago in one of my first blogs (if you click on the title of this blog you will be redirected there). The card has my picture on it as well as fingerprints and other personal information all readable via a data chip. So it's pretty well documented in government files about who I am and how long I've lived here. It's all pretty high tech but it's amusing with all this technology how certain things get either forgotten or misplaced. A good example is this is something called the 'Annual Report'. The Annual Report involves me going down to the government immigration offices at the start of every year and paying a small fee to remain in the country. It's mandatory, as in, I have to do this. What's amusing is I was NEVER told I had to do this. On the day I picked up my ACR card no one sat me down and said, 'Kenn, you need to report to the immigration offices at the start of every year and pay a fee.' Also, the government has my mailing address, did they ever send me a letter reminding me to do this? No, they didn't. How did I finally find out about it? Through gossip, that's how. I heard a rumour that ACR card holders have to do this so I went down to the immigration offices to investigate. I discovered upon arriving there that the rumour was true: every year in January I need to report to the government immigration office and pay the fee so they can update my records. Every year. Every darn year. No skipping a year here or there, every bloody year. So now I know! Knowledge is power! But, as always, knowing something ends up opening more questions. First question: if this is so important why wasn't I told every time I tried to leave or enter the country that my ACR status needed to be updated? I've lived in this country for more than two years now, that's two years of never reporting to the immigration offices and paying the fee but no one ever told me it had to be done. Why is that? I think it's because every month I don't pay the fee I get FINED! We're talking two years of fines here. The Annual Report fee is only 300 pesos. That's a mere $7.64 CAD PER YEAR! The fine, on the other hand, is 200 pesos ($5.09 CAD) PER MONTH. So needless to say, after two years of not paying the fee it was a lot more than 300 pesos. At least I know now for next year! It's funny how cheap this Annual Report fee is considering the other fees I need to pay as an ACR holder are much more. Every time I leave the country I have to pay an exit fee/tax at the airport. I hate this fee. First of all I don't understand why I have to pay a fee just because I'm leaving the country. Secondly, and this is the part that really annoys me, since I have to go to the cashier to pay this fee, they slap on an additional 500 peso fee on my exit fee (which is 770 pesos) and call it an EXPRESS LANE FEE. What? Okay, I understand why they think that makes sense ... really I do. By going to the cashier I get to bypass the regular immigration lineup therefore it takes me less time to go through immigration. But here's where I need to slap them on their collective faces because YOU'RE FORCING ME TO DO THIS!! Why are you charging me an EXPRESS LANE FEE when there's NO OTHER LINE UP YOU'RE LETTING ME GO INTO??? Let's steal some more money out of the poor expat's pockets. I grind my teeth in annoyance every time I leave the country because these fees defy logic.

So, to summarize it's 300 peso per year to stay in the country and 1270 peso every time I leave the country. I leave the country at least twice per month so that exit fee really adds up.

I'm trying to stay positive about this. I'm trying to rework it into something pleasurable. The way I'm thinking about this now is the reason it's so cheap to stay here and so expensive to leave is it's obvious the Filipino people really really love me and want me to stay. Why else would they charge me so much to leave?

From now on, we shall call this the LOVING KENN TAX, or KENN IS AWESOME TAX. You can invent your own tax title if you wish...

Happy 100th Post!

I'm please to announced that my 'Sugar' blog was my official 100th posting in the Kenniverse! Let's all collectively celebrate together no matter the timezone nor the country we live in! I'll bring the San Miguel!

Sugar

I'm sitting in a local coffee shop chain called Bo's Coffee adding a tiny bit of brown sugar to my iced americano went I noticed the guy beside me has already added five packets of sugar to his coffee and doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. Watching him has really reminded me how Filipinos seem to have a very avid sweet tooth. This sweet tooth goes well beyond adding insane amounts of sugar to coffee.

I've heard about Filipinos having chocolate cake for breakfast. I can barely tolerate chocolate cake in the evening let alone for breakfast.

When you order any mixed drink here, iced tea is a good example, it tends to arrive at your table oozing in sugar. Even after all this time I keep forgetting this, so when I order, and it arrives sickly sweet, I either kindly ask for a less sweet one or tolerate it, drink it down, and go through the rest of the day with a sugar-rush headache.

I remember this one time I was in a restaurant and I ordered a glass of sugarcane juice. I actually like the taste of sugarcane juice. It's surprisingly not as sweet as you would expect. It has a very nice flavour. But, for some odd reason the restaurant added what tasted like a pound of extra sugar to the sugarcane juice. What the hell? Whose bright idea was that? It's fucking sugarcane juice. It's made out of pure sugar? Why add extra to sugar to something that is already sugar? That's like forcing a sheep to wear a wool sweater. After that first taste I could feel my teeth quickly rotting away.

I just don't understand why everything here has to be so bloody sweet. If you think adding sugar to sugarcane juice is odd how about sitting down to a nice plate of sweet spaghetti. That's right, they add sugar to spaghetti sauce too. Isn't anything sacred in this world? I used to work with an Italian guy once who was fanatical about keeping Italian foods as close to old world as possible. Old traditional recipes, no modern fusion. We had many debates about the allowable ingredients a pizza should have. Being a traditionalist he thought 95% of the pizza restaurants were destroying Italian traditions (yes, he was a bit of an insane freak). I often wonder what he would think regarding Filipinos adding sugar to spaghetti sauces. He might go postal!

But you know, having Filipinos adding extra sugar to things it quite consistent with their other culinary habits. They seem to like extreme flavours. Filipino food is a combination of extreme saltiness, sweetness, and sourness. The best example I can think of that defines the Filipino palette is Bagoong Alamang with green mango. This dish effects almost every taste bud on your tongue all at once. Bagoong Alamang is shrimp paste. Think of it as the most fishy fish you've ever eaten then add lots of salt. You add it on top of green mango, which is unripe sour mango. What you end up with is an odd, but surprisingly tasty, combination that confuses your taste buds into submission. When I first tried it I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. My first impression made me think of what a sour crab apple must taste like if it was floating (and rotting) in ocean water for a few days. But, after a few more bites I found myself hooked. I'm wondering if anyone has ever tried to add sugar to the Bagoong Alamang and green mango mix. Imagine a food that effects all your taste buds at once. Your body might go into a hemorrhagic shock and you'll find yourself waking several hours later from a Bagoong Alamang coma. What a rush that would be!!

Missing in Action

I'm back! Yes, it's been a while since my last blog posting. You may wonder why I've been so lazy with the blogs lately. Looking back, when I first started this blog I was writing several blogs a week. As time went on it became several blogs a month. And now, sadly, it's become one or two blogs a month if YOU'RE LUCKY. What is the reason behind this total lack of responsibly when it comes to blog writing? Well, to be honest, I really don't have a reason. I guess I've just been lazy. I think it has a lot to do with familiarity of my experiences here in the Philippines. The longer I stay here the more familiar my experiences are; the more familiar things become the less I find them interesting; the less I find them interesting the least likely I am to write about them. It's an odd excuse I agree but I think that's the reason. My viewpoint has become so Filipino living here that I just don't see the unique Canadian perspective I once did. But, I'm attempting to work on that so hopefully within the coming weeks the Kenniverse is Pinoy blog will be teaming with fascinating and exciting experiences in the world of Pinoyness!

Now, onto the blog...

Let's see if I can summarize what has been going on in my life over the last few months. I won't bore you with basic things, IE: on November 10th, 2008 I awoke at 09:00 AM and brushed my teeth. Seriously, who really cares about that stuff (well, maybe a dentist would...), just the experiences that are noteworthy.

In November I flew back to Vancouver (without Aimee). It was my first time back in almost a year. I spent a great three weeks visiting family and friends. While there I attended Hopscotch 2008 (scotch and beer festival) with a few of my good buddies:

This photo was taken even before we started sampling all the great scotch and beers. Imagine sixty minutes later? Sixty minutes later things got a little - well - silly:

Yes, there are several rude finger profanities going on in this photo. Please don't judge us; we can't help it! We're five grown men out on an evening of drinking without our wives around to keep us sane and respectable! The book Lord of the Flies comes to mind...

Beyond drunken silliness with friends (and family) I spent the three weeks catching up with Vancouver. It's amazing how much of the city is changing with the upcoming 2010 Vancouver Olympics on its way. Olympics tourists shops are popping up all over the city and the Asian-inspired mascots (see below) seem to be plastered everywhere. In Richmond, they have already completed the Olympic speed skating rink and the Skytrain, our rapid transit rail system, finally has a station at the airport. It's not open yet but within a short time it will be.

I doubt Aimee and I will make it back to Vancouver for the 2010 Olympics but this may not be a bad thing. It's going to be impossible getting tickets for the events and imagine how insanely busy the city is going to be during that time. So no tickets to the events and sadly, no cable in our house to watch the events! We might as well stay back here in the Philippines and watch the events on the internet! We'll wave around a little Canadian flag as we do this of course!

Regarding the Vancouver 2010 mascots: I say 'Asian-inspired' because, well, to be honest, they are! Take a look:

Imagine if Hello Kitty had a birthday party and wanted to invite only characters that looked like her; the Vancouver 2010 Olympics mascots would definitely be getting an invitation for that party! I'm sure Hello Kitty would be mailing off some invitations to the mascots of the 2008 Beijing Olympics too!


What an interesting party that would be. I wonder what all the characters would talk about? What would the Vancouver mascots bring to the party? Maybe a huge slab of smoked salmon? Maple syrup cookies? BC Bud (AKA marijuana)? If Quatchi, the Vancouver Sasquatch character, were to give Jingjing, the Beijing panda character, a Vancouver magnet would he put it on his fridge? It's an interesting debate that I'm sure will go on for years.

What do I think of the Vancouver mascot characters? Personally and honestly, without any impact on the fact I live around little Asian characters everyday, I love them! I think if you're going to create a mascot for anything, make it cute. Cute mascots sell more merchandise. And if you want cute, go Asian! Hello Kitty started a trend in cuteness we've never looked back from. You can't deny it! Hello Kitty is a billionaire! I'm glad the Vancouver design team who created the mascots considered Asian cuteness! Vancouver and Asian cuteness has had a long standing relationship. Look at Expo Ernie from Vancouver's Expo 86 World Fair:

I think there's a bit of a conspiracy here. Expo Ernie isn't actually a real robot. I think Expo Ernie is actually Hello Kitty in a space suit.

See, absolutely no difference!

Since you're probably bored of mascots (and my disturbing addiction to Hello Kitty) let's get onto other things...

After my 3 week Vancouver stay in November I returned back to Manila. I spent Christmas here and was treated to a visit by my good buddy Mark. Mark is a Canadian like myself but he now lives in London, England. During his stay he took that Kenspanker jeepney photo that's now posted on the middle right-hand side of my blog. Within 5 minutes of taking that photo we saw another jeepney called the Ken&Mark. It was truly a magical day!

What a charming pair we are!

Christmas ended and Mark left. The fun didn't stop there because within a few short weeks I was back in Vancouver (with Aimee this time) for my Dad's 70th Birthday!

HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY DAD! (now if only I could get my Dad to use the internet so he can see that birthday greeting...). Beyond the usual visiting while in Vancouver we did some shopping. Some very specific shopping. Some shopping not for us but for someone else. Someone small. Very small. Small and fleshy (I say fleshy because most of you are probably thinking I'm talking about my cat). Small, fleshy and living inside a dark place. A dark wet place. He kicks occasionally in this dark place but most of the time he sleeps. Sleeps in a fetal position... Okay, if you haven't understood what I'm talking about there's no hope for you ... ever. For the rest of you, I'm proud to announce that Aimee is 23 weeks pregnant! And it's a boy! We are both extremely overjoyed! I could go on and on about how awesome this feeling is but then I would have to change the name of this blog from The Kenniverse is Pinoy to The Kenniverse's Baby is Awesome! Maybe one day that will happen, but for now, we'll still stay in the world of pinoy!

So now that you know the news, you probably also realize I have three solid months of blog writing left before the baby zaps all my time away! Hopefully writing this blog has killed off any writer's block I had in the past! Will write more soon ... I promise!

T.P.

Public washrooms aren't usually the most pleasurable places to go. They're dirty, they're smelly, and they lack the comfort you're used to from your own personal 'relief space'. That being said, sometimes duty calls and you're forced to use a public washroom.

Public washrooms here in Manila are like playing that 'game' Russian Roulette. But instead of using bullets, you're playing with a roll of toilet paper. Sometimes the toilet paper is there, sometimes it isn't. But unlike Russian Roulette, you want the toilet paper to be there during your turn. It's not a very fun game when it isn't. Most of the time it isn't there; either people are stealing it or the cleaners have stopped refilling it altogether. Maybe they stopped refilling it because people were stealing it? It's hard to say, but all I know it's not always there and it's completely annoying to anyone, like me, who finds themselves in an emergency situation where having a nice friendly roll of TP would be helpful.

There seems to be various levels of TP non-existence. On the base level, there's no TP, never was TP, never ever will be TP until the end of time. On the next level there's the public washrooms that were generous enough to give you TP but for some odd, sick, and demented reasoning they put it OUTSIDE the stall. How is that suppose to help you? I guess they figure if it's outside the stall, in the plain view of everyone, you're less likely to steal it. Okay, I understand that logic but there's one very important thing they didn't consider: people will waste more TP this way. If you're forced to take what you need before you go into the toilet stall isn't it human nature to take more than what you need? Of course it is, you will always take more. There's no way to estimate how many sheets you are going to use so just to be safe, you grab an insane amount. It's better to have too many sheets than not enough right?

On the next level we have the washrooms that are nice enough to give you TP and they are logical enough to put it inside the stall but then they forget this very important thing called the toilet seat. These places annoy me because I feel like they're teasing me; they give me something I want and need but take something away in exchange. You cheeky bastards!

Some places charge you to use the washrooms. For a mere 5 pesos you can have the luxury of an exclusive paid washroom experience. Sounds good eh? Sounds like paradise huh? Nope, these places oddly are worse off than the non-paid toilets. I've paid to use washrooms in parks that not only lack TP and toilet seats, they also lack doors on the stalls. What is my hard earned 5 peso going to? I was in a washroom last week that charged a 5 peso entry fee but 10 peso per TP sheet. Gotta love that business empire!

To be fair though, some malls have semi-nice free washrooms with TP in the stalls. There's one mall I go to that not only has semi-nice free washrooms but also slightly-nicer paid washrooms. For 10 peso you can relax and do your business in a slightly cleaner environment with free-flowing toilet paper. Ah yes, luxury! I do wonder though what's stopping people from paying the 10 peso and then stealing 20 pesos worth of TP? Maybe no one has ever considered this. Maybe it's only me and my demented Canadian criminal mind!

Merry Pinoy Christmas 2008!!

Holiday Ham

It's Holiday Ham time here in the Philippines! Holiday Hams are individually wrapped hams in decorative Christmas-themed boxes. And for some odd reason, most of the Holiday Ham kiosks are manned by homosexuals! I'm not kidding here. They're manned by gays that are the spitting image of what a homosexual stereotype is! They sing, they dance, they giggle, they wiggle their little gay asses trying to tempt you to purchase more holiday ham. I don't know what the correlation between homosexuals and ham is, but there definitely seems to be some sort of connection here. How did this happen? Did the homosexual's involvement in the ham industry happen overnight or has it been something that's been slowly building every Christmas? I wonder if in the beginning one homosexual was hired and his ham sales were so impressive that the meat company decided to hire more homosexuals the next year. Soon, 10 years go by and nearly all ham salesmen are gay. That's one theory. Another possible theory is the top executives from the meat industry got together one day in their boardroom and tried to come up with ways to sell more ham. Imagine a bunch of overpaid suits throwing out nonsense ideas and one says, "HEY, I have it! Let's hire homosexuals to sell our ham!" In response the other executives look at each other for a moment, consider this idea, and then all in unison decide this is the best idea ever. They all pat each other on their collective backs and congratulate on a job well done. And as with most board meetings, there's always one guy who only speaks up when it's obvious everyone else approves the idea. This guy would probably say something like, "Great idea! I would buy anything from a homosexual!" The homosexual ham revolution was born! All kidding aside, I actually really DO wonder why most of these ham salesmen are gay. Is there some sort of cultural thing I'm not understanding here? Whatever the reason, this sales technique doesn't work on me. I don't eat ham; and I'm not gay. So flirting with me by making kissy noises and wiggling your ass isn't going to make me buy more ham. But, weirder things have happened in this world; if the Philippines turns me into a throbbing homosexual ham eater you may see me buying truckloads of ham off our happy gay ham friends!

I wonder what the pigs think of all this...

Price Checkers

In this crazy fast-paced world people tend to think faster now, talk faster now, walk faster now ... everything is now now now. Well ... in most places. I notice things here in the Philippines aren't necessarily 'now now now' but more 'sometime sometime sometime.' I often find myself wondering about the concept of speed here. Filipinos seem to live in a slow-paced and relaxed world. They walk slower and they take their time when doing things. I actually respect this way of thinking. More people need to slow down, and, as the saying goes, smell the roses. But I also think there is a proper time and place for this relaxed slow mindset. And one place, in my opinion, that should never ever be relaxed and slow is the world of supermarket price checkers. Let me explain: The supermarket price checker's job is to quickly check the prices of things that the cashier cannot find the price for. In most cases there's going to be a large lineup of people waiting behind you so the faster the checker finds the price and tells the cashier the better. In Canada there's a supermarket chain called the Real Canadian Superstore that understands the need for quick price checking. They've equipped their price checkers with roller blades and full roller blade body armour. This allows these guys and girls the ability to zip from isle to isle at warp speeds to get your price fast. Super fast. Quick price checking means less time for you to wait at the cashier and less grumpy people waiting behind you. Makes perfect sense doesn't it? Sounds like a system that should be globally understood right? Well ... no ... not here. Price checkers here are a completely different animal. A race between the turtle and the hare comes to mind. Price checkers here are, you guessed it, the turtle. Whenever I go to the supermarket here and I notice a barcode on one of the products I want to buy isn't scanning properly I immediately grind my teeth knowing I'm going to have to wait forever for that price to get checked. First it takes forever for the cashier to locate a price checker, then once one is located, it takes an eternity for him to return with the checked price. I honestly don't know where these price checkers go. Part of the problem is none of them seem to think checking the price is really that important. Once they're asked to check the price they don't zip, nor run, nor even walk to the price. They amble. They stroll. They sloth. They slug their way to some remote location not even close to where the product is they need to check. There was one time I saw the product that required checking two isles down from the cashier. Did he go there? No, he went somewhere else. Where did he go? Why does it take so long? Was he trying to work up the courage to check the price? Was he heading over to the local karaoke booth to sing a few love ballads before checking the price? Did he bump into a friend in one of the isles and drink a few bottles of San Miguel before checking the price? Where the hell is the damn price checker? It's an insane situation because no product is ever worth wasting 10 minutes of my life waiting for. Most of the time I just get frustrated and give up waiting. Obviously that means I didn't buy the product therefore the store didn't make that money off of me. These slugs are bad for business. Doesn't the store understand that? Please, oh please, hire some fast price checkers. I'm not expecting roller blade fast, or even rabbit fast, but please, at least, at the minimum fastness of a new born kitten (actually, come to think of it, a new born kitten still unable to walk with its eyes still shut is probably faster than these guys). At any rate, I think in the future I may start offering to check my own prices. If they allow me... I'll even put on my roller blades to do it! Oh wait, I don't have roller blades ... no matter, even if I had to leave the supermarket, buy roller blades, put them on, zip back to the supermarket, and then quickly check the price I would still be faster than them. Tsk tsk, they give slugs a bad name...

Pet Blessing

You know you're in a Catholic country when...

Coming up this weekend two places in Metro Manila are offering 'Pet Blessing'. One of these places is actually within walking distance from my condo. When I saw this sign I found myself wondering if my cat, Daphne, would appreciate getting a blessing from a Catholic priest. Although the blessing is happening within walking distance from where we live the act of getting her there isn't the most pleasurable in cat terms. I would have to shove her into a cage (which she hates), carry her outside into the loud traffic (which she hates), and stand up in a line up of dogs (which she hates) to wait for her blessing. That's a lot of effort from both Daphne and me. But then there is also the question of religion. Is Daphne religious? I have no idea. I've never seen her praying. I've never seen her reading a little cat-sized bible. And if Daphne is religious I don't even know what religion she is. I'm not Catholic so maybe Daphne isn't either. But since Aimee is Catholic maybe Daphne has decided to be Catholic as well. Or, maybe, Daphne follows a special cat religion. I think a cat religious bible would be rather short. The first first pages would talk about how Kitty God created Earth and all its comfortable places to nap. This Earth also has an over abundance of delicious kitty meals to eat and beautiful gardens to poop in. Kitty God then created humans to act as the personal slaves for the cats. And that's it; that's the Kitty Bible. I'm sure the kitty clergy originally intended to have more chapters written but since they spent most of their time napping, eating the occasional mouse and getting high off catnip the rest of the kitty bible never got finished.

I like the idea of a pet blessing. It gives pet owners the peace of mind that their pets are being cared for by God as well. Even if you're not Catholic it's an intriguing idea to think that some greater power is keeping your pets safe when you're not around. But shoving my frightened cat into a cage and dragging her down to the Pet Blessing? I don't know ... I doubt my cat would appreciate that. So no pet blessing for Daphne this time. Maybe next time but until then, I have faith that Daphne's own personal Kitty God will keep her safe.

Kitty God blesses you all (maybe not the dogs)...

Nation of Singers

The Philippines is a Nation of Singers. This isn't a term I invented but I will gladly borrow it for this blog because it's a perfect description for the people here. Filipinos like to sing. It's impossible to go through a day without hearing the sound of humming or singing. Sometimes, when I'm walking through a crowded area I'll hear either individual people, or groups of people break out in song. The groups of people singing are a little disturbing to me because they seem to just start singing without discussing the song first. It just happens. One moment they're quiet and minding their own business, the next moment they break out in song. I often wonder if I'm trapped in some odd science fiction musical film where all the inhabitants share a collective mind when it concerns music. Sometimes I think the singing is a nervous twitch ingrained into the Filipino subconscious. The people here seem to sing more loudly during stressful situations. A good example of this is when I had a minor disagreement with a shop owner concerning the price of something. The sign said, "Sale 40% off" but the shop owner wouldn't give me the sale price. He said the sign was lying. How could a sign lie? Signs don't lie. I was so annoyed I left without buying anything. This exchange between me and the shop owner produced a fit of loud singing once I turned my back. He was stressed and the singing made him feel better.

Beyond singing to yourself in public another big thing here is karaoke. Or, as the call it here, KTV. You can get together with a bunch of friends or family in a small private room and sing songs together. In some of these places you can even food and drinks and spend the night singing to your little hearts content. KTV places come in all shapes and sizes. They range from small shacks to huge businesses with private rooms. But what if you can't make it to a KTV place and singing to yourself without music isn't good enough? How about a coin operated karaoke hut?

These little huts always make me laugh because although they can comfortablely seat six people, I only ever see one person inside. Isn't it lonely singing by yourself? I guess when singing in the shower isn't good enough these things come in handy.

The next step in KTV enjoyment is singing in the privacy of your own home. The cheapest of these home karaoke units is called Magic Sing Xtreme. It's essentially a microphone with a built in collection of songs and images. You select the code of the particular song and up pops on your TV screen a selection of random images, the words to the song, and the music to sing along to (Aimee and I actually own one but never use it). When you go into malls there's always a person promoting the Magic Sing Xtreme. And what's the best way to promote a karaoke microphone? Singing of course! Imagine that being your job. Singing everyday, eight hours per day, nonstop. What I love the most about the people that promote the Magic Sing Xtreme (let's call them the Xtreme Promoters) is how they really put their heart and soul into the singing. You really feel the emotion of the song. It's like going to a concert. Only at this concert the main singing act gets ignored by the audience. What I find totally surreal involves the images used for the background while you're singing. When they aren't from Philippines destinations they're oddly from places in Canada. Specially, Vancouver. I'm still trying to figure out what the connection between Canada and addictive singing is. Maybe, secretly, behind closed doors, when no one's looking, with the curtains drawn shut and the doors securely locked, Canada too is a Nation of Singers.